People Profile: Starbucks

I’ve deemed Thursday to be my random post of the week, and today as I sit in Starbucks, I can’t help but notice a trend. A people trend, as it were.


So as I sit in Starbucks, this is what I see:

The Young Hipster: this is a given. Find a Starbucks, find a hipster. Unless there is an underground coffee shop nearby that charges even more for vintage, vegan, cage-free, trade-free, gluten-free, GMO-free, all-natural, fairy dust sprinkled coffee as black as their soul, you’ll find them here. On their Macs.

HipstersDrinkingCoffeeOutside-850x400As you can see, these Young Hipsters found their refreshments elsewhere.

The Old Hipster: this is in fact, a thing. The Old Hipster is a classier version of the Young Hipster, often wearing vintage suits and using leather briefcases. They could have once been successful businessmen, who found a calling in sipping coffee and sitting in plush seats, reading classic authors. You many find them in the armchair section (every Starbucks has one) reading Ray Bradbury or Ernest Hemingway, depending on their mood.


The Tutorer: this is a tricky one. They can be young or old or somewhere in the middle. They can be wearing literally anything. There are two I can see at this given moment. Both older women, one in a crochet white sweater she probably made herself (which you can probably find at Urban Outfitters for $500), the other in a general satin shirt, which I bet she bought at Kohls. They can also be tutoring for anything, math, language, english. Starbucks has no rules. Starbucks doesn’t judge your faults.


You can see here how young they start them out. Cup of milk one day, cappuccino the next.

The Quiet Ones: I probably fall into this category. Talk to me at Starbucks and I will rip your head off. This is my quiet place. My happy place. I don’t wear headphones because they hurt my oddly shaped ears, but this is usually a trademark of theirs. Right now I’m two for two on Quiet Ones with headphones, not counting myself.


These are my people.

The Study Groups: You have no place here. Get your coffee and go to the library. We don’t need you rearranging the entire shop because you need more seats. Usually filled with Basic girls (who I can’t even bear to give them their own category. They have RUINED PSL for me.) and/or med students.


Four or less is acceptable as long as they don’t ask for my empty chair.

The Chatterers: Hands down the worst, next to the Study Groups. If I’m forced to sit near you for lack of seats, that does NOT mean I welcome idle conversation. I came here for a purpose, and that was to get crap done. If you are talking to me about the weather and what you do for a living, my crap is not getting done. My polite smile was not an invitation for you to tell me your life story. There’s a place for people like you, and it’s called therapy.


One of these people is not like the other, because this person decided to drop in and chat with a perfectly happy group of friends. (Coincidentally, they are okay because they are four or less.)

This is in no way a comprehensive list, and it doesn’t even touch on the people who actually work here, who would need a post all their own.

Who else have you seen at Starbucks? Comment below! This could be fun.


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