The problem with Christmas music.

What? There’s a problem with Christmas music? You must be crazy! It’s wonderful, it’s inspiring, it’s magical-

No. Let me stop you right there before I throw up on your Christmas joy.

Christmas music is not, I repeat not, magical. Anyone who says that should be thrown in an asylum because you are obviously crazy.

Just because it gets a little cold (well, everywhere but Florida anyway) doesn’t mean we should break out the stacks on stacks of Christmas CD’s. I mean, it’s already bad enough that there are well over ten versions of Jingle Bell Rock (all terrible), but do we really have to stray from the classics and have Christmas singles?

Why? Why do artists want to torture us with the sounds of their Christmas blues? He broke up with her, she moved away on Christmas day, the night is magical and snow is falling. I don’t know if those are actual songs, but I wouldn’t doubt it. I could probably find two of the three on an N’Sync album.

It’s just silly. I like about four, maybe five Christmas songs and most of them are either a) Trans-Siberian Orchestra or b) a choir singing hymns. Christmas hits? No thanks. I’d rather get trampled on Black Friday and miss the festivities.

I mean, could the lyrics possibly get more juvenile? And could they possibly make less sense? When I hear the song Feliz Navidad I have to restrain myself from breaking the nearest stereo. And don’t even get me started on Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I thought Drake’s new song was creepy (for those of you out of touch, the first line of the song is “I’ve got my eyes on you”), but this Christmas hit takes the cake.

First of all, let’s take a moment to realize that we are singing about an overweight man who is breaking and entering every house in the world once a year and eating your refreshments. But since that doesn’t seem to bother anyone, maybe the fact that he watches you while you sleep and he knows everything you’re doing every second of the day will raise some red flags. No? If this song doesn’t thoroughly make you uncomfortable, you have not listened to the lyrics. It’s like Twilight. Girls think Edward is romantic for watching Bella sleep. No, that’s not romantic. That’s incredibly freaky. If he has nothing better to do than watch her sleep for eight hours every night, I’m not sure he’s worth dating.

But I digress. If you enjoy Christmas music, good for you. I won’t hate on you specifically, just your kind in general. I’m sure to retaliate you’ll go Yuletide caroling, whatever that means, and drink some hot chocolate while snapping along to Now! Christmas. I hope you enjoy yourself. Just don’t invite me, because I won’t hesitate to say no.

 

Here’s a redeemable Christmas song, minus the bells. Gosh, they’re annoying. But the singing is beautiful and haunting.

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